Monday, July 7, 2014

It's been a while

i want to sleep. yesterday was a rough day. another revelation and my wife was back to the beginning with everything flooding back everything that i have done wrong and put her through. I cant sleep. My head hurts and is banging and no matter what pain pills i take it wont go away. I don't want to talk about things i just want to write and be left in peace

I am learning the hard way. everything is relevant everything has details that she, my wife wants to know. sometimes i wish i could remember those so we could move on and be done with this. Sometimes i think, does it change anything, does it change the shit i have been.  She thinks i only want to be with her because no one else does. She wants to know why i don't like her with dark hair but like her blonde. I like her because she is her.  I like the way she feels next to me the softness of her skin. i like the way her breasts feel in my mouth and in my hands . I like the way she feels when i am inside her. I love the way she giggles when i touch a certain spot on her neck. I like the way she is into me like no one has ever been before. She complains i never talk to her on the phone yet spent hours hours on the phone with these different women i had online relationships with. Sometimes i just want to her her talk and hear her breath  I wish she would realize that i choose her because i love the person she is. Some times she scare me because of how deeply i have let her get close to me.

My wife says there is a deep dark secret that i'm holding from her or not telling her everything. Well there is ..

There i said it.

She has a deep dark secret that she told me recently. Well i have one to, one i hate one that i wish i could block out and remove forever.

She writes about her child hood and blocks out some of the things that have happened to her. My therapist has indicated at it. "why don't you like being on your own" "why do you want to start wanking the moment you are on your own." "Do you think about women when you self gratify". I think my sister in law ,(shes actually my niece but really is more like my sister-in-law) has worked part of it out. I wank because wanking is or self gratification is comforting. I sucked my thumb up until i was 18. I like moves that i can escape into. i like videos that i can escape into Doing something else stops the demons from coming and taunting me with memories of things that have happened to me. Things i don't want to remember.

Yesterday i started self harming. I haven't liked myself in years.and it all goes back to those times in Melksham. Walking home along the river, being chased by 3 bastards. Jimmy Parks and Peter Green. The other boy i remember his face like it was yesterday. I couldn't wait to leave Melksham and leave for Cyprus i could not leave that town fast enough. I don't like forming relationships with men, because teenage boys in particular hurt you both physically and emotionally. I loved Cyprus because i was finally free of the those bastards.

I have been watching the case of Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris in the UK. Those bastards deserve everything they fucking get. Using there position of power to rape and abuse young girls and boys. I hope they rot in jail for some of the taument and anguish they have caused on their victims. How sick can you possibly get being children entertainers and then using that to lure their victims. They deserve everything they get.

I remember the boys that chased me every day, over and over again. i know two of them by name i hear them taunting me calling me. "he fagot let me show you a real man", "let me shove this up ya arse" "Austin you Gay bastard" "Austin you homo" and "Hey Homo". I remember their punches as they beat me down there boots kicking my body , i remember them forcing me down. I remember pleading for help, asking them not to do this. No one heard my cries not even the the police man that i sort refuge with at the police station. I remember the heard of cows looking on and the sun shining and the birds singing and i hate every fucking moment of that day. I remember there grubby little hands on me , their grunts and their vile hot breath. I hate the fucking bastards and i don't want to remember the rest. I remember my foreskin ripping as they yanked and pulled it back and i struggled to get away. I look at myself and see the scare every day and remember what they did.

I would rather smash my fucking face into the floor than remember what happened all those years ago.

My wife says she cant deal with her demons , her own sexual abuse as a child. Sometimes i want my wife to just shut up and let me hold her. hold her in my arms. wrap my arms around her. i want her to tell me everything is going to be alright and we are going to work this out. Sometimes i want her to wrap her arms around me and protect me.

My therapist says that i have a secret garden i put my mother in the gate keeping guard of the gate. funny really because the very people i need to protect me let me down. My dad was to busy working and my mum was too naive. But then that was an age when boys would be boys , teenage pregnancy was not heard of and no one talked about sex. My therophist also says i'm drawn to people that are the same. I can scan the room and work out who i have a chance with who is addicted to sex but i'm also drawn to people that are broken. please that have been abused, beaten tortured.

It took me years to work out i wasn't in fact gay or attracted to men not in that sense anyway. Just the opposite most men repulse me. I hear how they talk about women with there dirty little jokes and it reminds me of those boys all those years ago.  But then again i have found women are not much better , they taunt you with i love you and want to be with you forever and your the man for me, but don't mind my boyfriend or they run off with your best friend.

Sometimes i feel emotionally dead. Feel like i'm going to explode trying to fight back crying because crying is a weakness , if they see you cry Steve then they see they have won and what they did was OK and what they did was right.

My wife doesn't understand the addiction i have, she wants to but she will never. She says she has never met anyone that needs praise like i do and when i don't get it i ask for it. I loved performing for want o f a better word for women. Some times i think i should have been a male stripper  the attention and the adoration that those men get must be the biggest fucking high. it wasn't really the sex to a large extent it was the attention and the adoration that i seek and sort.

My therapist thinks i like to be in control and to a very large extent after talking through with my wife i have to agree.  When you have two strong willed people in a relationship that doesn't always work out. I think we both like to be in control because of our past. her because of what happened to her but me because i couldn't stop 4 shits from garbing me , beating the shit out of me and doing what they did.

Maybe all this is about proving those shits wrong that i'm not the things they called me or the things they did to me.

All i know is that i'm ready for this to be over and to finally lay this crap to rest and move on.

 She may not believe me on some things and that i haven't done some things, she may never trust me ever again. but i have loved her more in the last few months than i have ever loved her. I want her to know if she will give me a chance i will make the next 8 years better than the last 8 years. I want to grow old and have picket fences . i want to hear my children and my grand children laughing in the loving home we have built together.

It's time my mother moved over there needs to be a new guard to the garden of secrets. I just want that chance.  So there is my secret and no i don't want to remember it or tell people about it and yes i would rather hurt myself than face up to that.

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