Monday, October 10, 2016

And Autumn Comes....

It's Autumn and the leaves are changing slowly. The Hot temperatures of the summer are starting to give way to cold nights and early mornings. With it comes storms that scurry small children into bedrooms frighted of the sound of thunder and shocked by the lightening that they can see.

Birthdays come and go everyone one gets older, Some ready to leave the nest and some still learning and growing into amazing human beings. Old friends pass away and new friends come to stay. If only for a short while. Arguments get heated and forgiveness is sort. Prayers for changes are spoken and life continues to go on changing and molding but nothing every stays the same.

I have been reading Galatians recently, interesting concepts Paul makes in showing how believers in christ are saved through faith. That Christ finished the covenant that was written so long ago before time or man was created, to die and pay the price for sin that had entered into the world.

I have been sober for three and half years now. Sober is probably not the right word for it but i cant think of any other word for it. I wonder what God, my Lord has plans for me. Recently there where redundancies at the place i work at. I was convinced i would be ask to leave. It's been a very frustrating year for me. Very frightening, but God told me to stay. This is the place he wants me to be.

We also started attending a church, a baptist one at that. I never ever in a million years would have thought of attending a Baptist Church. I look at the people who attend and see amazingly kind and gentle people , Who seem to speak kindly and act kindly to others and i yearn to be like them. I pray to be like them.

I still attend counseling but at a different place and not every week. Every other week i meet with a guy that looks like Santa Clause. We have 40 Minutes of talking about life, whats going on, how am i feeling and what i feel is going wrong in my life. He endeavours to teach me cooping skills, How to change fight or flight reactions how to breath how to step back and wait. All of which i seem to fail at miserably.

I have a step daugher that i love far more than she will ever know. She is amazingly beautiful, she is a lot like her mother is both looks and emotions. I know longer know who to communicate with her. I feel sad and downtrodden about this its depressing how our relationship has broken down so much. I feel i have lost my daughter. She has a  boyfriend and has just turned 18 he is now the man of her life She listens to him. She had plans to become something great and go to university and change the world. They are planing on getting a place together , have a baby those plans no longer feature college or changing the world. I blame myself for this. I should have been a father that she wanted to look up to not one she wanted to get away from . I remember when i was 18 how i was going to change the world.... I still wonder what gods plan for me is......

I like my life better now that i am sober, no more hiding running around. My wife worries that something is going on or that i will relapse into who i was before the sky fell in.

I have another daughter that's 8. she was very clingy this weekend. Dad can i go just with you, Dad can i sit on your lap, Dad can i kiss you on the cheek. I asked her what is going on , What's worrying her or troubling her. She blurts our "it scares me when you and Mum fight". Mum and I had been fighting over our soon to leave home daughter. Things where said, hurtful things, nasty things. I felt insulted and wronged and got very angry about it. I felt unappreciated and felt i was just there to do the jobs no one wanted to do. I felt like going on strike and saying ok. i'll do these jobs but you lot can do the jobs i normally do. It was the wrong way to think. It's not how Christ would have reacted, He would have been kind and gentle and would have taken the criticism and taken on the extra responsibility. He wouldn't have reacted in a way that would have left everyone that he loved feeling insecure and frightened.

Being sober wakes you up to the fact you have so much to loose and everything to gain.But i have also come to the realisation that you have so much more to gain by how christ like you become not just by what we will be rewarded in heaven but by the lives we effect here on earth. The children that are in our care, what they see and learn is what we as adults teach them.....

I'm in a reflective melancholy mood. and yes i have taken my medicine this morning... But life is better than it was and is getting better.... I pray for my children that they will see a better dad, i pray for my wife that the hurt i cause her will fade and she will love the man she married. I pray that christ will change me into a better man, a kind and gentle man that people will want to listen to and not run away.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

and life continues

recently the office that i have been getting counseling from no longer wants to accept my insurance. So time to move office, my councilor is great and is helping me through it.

I have noticed a few auto biography one by Stephen Fry and one by Johnny Rotten. I want to put both on my Christmas list. I watched a video of Stephen Fry talking about his book and it compeled me to to write a letter to him

Mr Stephen Fry
c/o Hamilton Hodell Limited
Fifth Floor
66-68 Margaret Street
London W1W 8SR

Dear Stephen,
I recently watched your interview on the BBC about you’re new book ”More fool me.”, I never knew you are recovering from an addiction and this interested me in many ways. I have followed your work since I was a teenager, I wouldn’t say I was a great fan but I have enjoyed some of the work you have produced.
Whilst I have never had a drug addiction I have had another addiction that I have been recently getting help with, there was a number of things in the interview that made me sit up and take note and one was the immense foolishness that once feels after realizing you are addicted to a substance and act or something that completely takes over your life. I also found it interesting that you mentioned it became your coping mechanism. I recently was confronted with my addiction and it was amazing how quickly I no longer had a coping mechanism to deal with the day to day of life and what it throws at you. At 47 I have to now to learn news ways of coping after some 35 years of relying on my addiction to get through life.
I just wanted to say thanks for putting it out there so that people like myself who are just taking baby steps in recovery can be encouraged to continue and move forward.

So on wards and forwards.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Like me

I watched a video of a man that kept his secret until he was 50 , I turned 47 last month , one aspect of his video was that he conquered women , worried he was gay, it really stood out and shocked me that this is what I have been doing and really in not alone. 

Had a good weekend but I'm finding I do have to take my meds at the same time . 2-3 hours late causes me to have side effects even temper tantrums. Things that u find difficult to handle because that is not really me . 

Work tomorow , we will see what that brings

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Long time

It's been a long time since I last made a post. My depression took a turn for he worse as I had a major side effect to the Prozac. I couldn't stop shaking and felt on edge all the time.

We also moved house. My wife couldn't handle the fact that I had cheated on her and the urge to give way to my addiction was very strong. So an opertunity to move and start new and I grabbed it with both hands. It took us a whole month to move and wore the two of us out. 

We had a good vacation in south pardra and I ended up with a new tatto. 
My wife is still very hurt and it kills me to see her cry. She still doesn't understand what it's like to be recovering from this. She says she does but I can tell from her responses she doesn't. I'm not making excuses for it after all they where my actions and my choices but the craving to watch porn video sex with someone or self gratify has been very strong. This seems to be subsiding. I haven't self gratified since April. I'm actually quite proud of , I haven't done any of he other things either .

My coucncilor has been teaching me coping technices. My coping technics have been sex , so that's out of the question now. This has left me feeling very empty, lonely and frightened.

So I have been trying to find a happy place , this proved difficult so now I have been trying to imagine my happy place. But this is stil hard and remembering to go to it when I'm not coping is always hard. Makes me feel a bit foolish as it reminds me of the daughter in Tom cruises version of war of he worlds try's to find her happy place.

I have been looking at women diffently to, 
Again proving very difficult , I try not to focus in on boobs, ass, or legs. I know try and focus on the face looking straight at there eyes. I also ask god to make them a Chanel for his will. 

I took the step recently to tell my family what happened to me and what he result was. It didn't go well....

I think they went into deep denial , then they hought I was finding what happens to me as being there fault , which it wasn't. But one of the things that came out was the way my mother treats my wife. I tried to make hem understand that this wasn't right tried sending an email but all I got was excuses for what had happened. I felt my heart was going to break because I have always been under the impression that my family was great that they came together in crisis and would support me but more importantly my wife . This didn't happen my wife got upset and wright my so but the pressure of it all because when I talked to them on the phone . I guess I just have up which again wasn't he right thing to so but I just couldn't cope. 

Last night it all became to much and I felt I couldn't breath so I drove to a park to get my head steaight. 

Today has been hard to dealing with bosses and trying to get out of this depression. I still feel empty and I need to fill that . I love my wife and I hate me for doing this to her , breaks my heart to see her angry or cry because of he pain I have caused her. She really is the only perosn in my leg right now that supports me on a daily basis , so
Thing I will always be great full for.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Good music

most will tell you i'm not into country music. Lately i have been listening to it. I really like Kip Moors work. i heard this today and it struck a chord with me.

"Faith When I Fall"

I know it's been a long time since the last time we talked
I know I've been a stranger and that's all my fault
And asking you for anything don't really seem right
But the winds of change are blowing so I'm begging you tonight

Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me light up ahead on a journey
Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall

I know the rain is coming and it's sure gonna pour
I know there ain't no running from this kind of storm
It's gonna get harder and harder, they keep on pushing through
I'm gonna wanna quit, so I'll be counting on you

To give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me light up ahead on a journey
Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall

When the clouds start parting and the sun starts shining through
This time I wont forget, I wont forget about you

Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me light up ahead on a journey
Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall

Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall, yeah

Teenage to mid 30s...

So back to the history lesson.

Upon arriving back in England and in a new town I attended was a 6th form college. Being the New guy and not having a northern accent a couple of girls started talking to me. I started hanging out with one in particular. We would go baby sitting together and hang out at each other’s house. Before long I had my hand down her blouse and almost to second base. But being a teenagers it wasn’t too sooner before her best friend came up to me and said she didn’t want to be my girlfriend any more as I was boring , had no money and didn’t take her anywhere. I was pretty much devastated.

Then there was another girl at the college that said hey I like you let’s get it on. I felt uncomfortable and wanted to take my time but soon after if found out that very same day she found an empty class room and had sex with another guy.

Then another girl showed up, blonde and gorgeous. She wanted to know about god and for a while we started talking and emotionally being connected. My dad took photos of her for a magazine. She then vanished without a trace only to tune up years later. Never a sorry I hurt you or broke you.

I was pretty much into pornography by this time , buying anything by playboy I liked the images and told myself they was more classy than say penthouse or hustler.

My sister introduced me to a girl that was 18 I was 22 , she was another blonde , she could give a guy the best hand job ever. She never wanted to do anything else. I went away to college for my second degree and she stopped the weekend. On one return trip she was late to meet me. The next day her friend was with her and let it out that she had seen someone else. I was devastated. Tried getting back with her but it was all falling apart and crushing. From that point I never wanted to let someone get so close, it was too painful and totally crushing.

 More blondes came into my life; one was the daughter of a guy I was working. All smiles and flirting but then when it came down to it one big headache. The other came into a club I worked at after 3 months of flirting she went off with a guy and got married. Funny thing is I became friends with him only to find out 20 years later he had gone through similar experiences to me.

Then I meet another blonde. She was younger but fun but the kind that went for the soppy stuff, teddy bears and cards, childish gogar talk.  Sad thing is by this point I just wanted someone to hang out with. She would stop the night occasionally and we had fun. I lost my virginity to her. Was the worst experience ever? She just lied there did not move. She left early the next day and I never saw her again. Later I found out she wanted me to chase after her and beg her to come back. Any other relationship I probably would have but for some reason I just wasn’t interested in anything being hard work.

A few more dates with a few other blondes and again messed around with. Smiles and the come-on look but never wanting anything more.

The internet had arrived by this point or rather the first version of it. Compuserve USA was an online service, you could chat with people, got to forums and download pictures.

I got chatting with a woman, I really liked her, and she told me she had a child. Nothing unusual lots of women in that town had kids. When went on a couple of dates but then I stated to realize she was not telling me the truth. She was married and had 2 children and she just wanted to swing.

One of the previous come-on blondes introduced me to my first wife. Within a week she had come to visit me for a weekend. A few weeks later I went and stayed with her for a few days. We got on well and had a lot of fun. But I soon realized there were problems, she had been mentally ill, Electric shock treatment and was on medication. Very bipolar and had a temper.

In that time she was always with other guys, I’m doing this with that person or I’m doing that. One day she stayed at some guys house the night. I should have ended it then. I don’t know why I didn’t.

After a year I moved to London to be with her. She got me a job working for the government and working at Milbank London, just by the river. I asked her dad if I could marry her and he said no. he wanted us to wait. He was pretty high up in the English government and was a top ranking customs and excise official.

We both moved in with my parents. It was rough, we both got temping jobs and after a year we arranged to get married. The day of the wedding I nearly backed out , wedding nerves I don’t know but I talked myself back into it.

3 years later , my first Son came along. Life was pretty good. No Porn, no desires everything seemed good.

I got a job in another town; we wanted to move closer to her parents. I stopped with my grandparents. I was in my early thirties. I would go out with the young guys in the office. We would go roller blading, then on to the pub then more than often onto a club. We would dance the night away in a Hard Rock smoky atmosphere full of rock chic’s and goths. My friend Derick and I had a thing for goths. We would both drool.  But nothing ever happened; I would stumble home and at the weekend head home.

My second son was born but by this point thing both work wise and home was bad. Constant arguing, she no longer wanted to move and I didn’t understand why. My best friend a Vicker was coming over, I never thought anything off it , just doing his pastoral duty. I was made redundant and went home.

Within weeks, I was involved in a major car wreck. My wife under pressure from her father wanted me to go back to work, turns out I had broken my neck and crushed my voice box. I set up my own company and was doing pretty well. Some months we had a lot of money others we didn’t. We never managed it well. By this time she was going out most weekends partying with her friends. One morning she came home after it got light. She confessed she had been with another man. My world collapsed. I moved to the couch and eventually to a small office attached to the house. I started going online

I started looking into the swinging seen and the bondage and dominatix scene.

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's been a while

i want to sleep. yesterday was a rough day. another revelation and my wife was back to the beginning with everything flooding back everything that i have done wrong and put her through. I cant sleep. My head hurts and is banging and no matter what pain pills i take it wont go away. I don't want to talk about things i just want to write and be left in peace

I am learning the hard way. everything is relevant everything has details that she, my wife wants to know. sometimes i wish i could remember those so we could move on and be done with this. Sometimes i think, does it change anything, does it change the shit i have been.  She thinks i only want to be with her because no one else does. She wants to know why i don't like her with dark hair but like her blonde. I like her because she is her.  I like the way she feels next to me the softness of her skin. i like the way her breasts feel in my mouth and in my hands . I like the way she feels when i am inside her. I love the way she giggles when i touch a certain spot on her neck. I like the way she is into me like no one has ever been before. She complains i never talk to her on the phone yet spent hours hours on the phone with these different women i had online relationships with. Sometimes i just want to her her talk and hear her breath  I wish she would realize that i choose her because i love the person she is. Some times she scare me because of how deeply i have let her get close to me.

My wife says there is a deep dark secret that i'm holding from her or not telling her everything. Well there is ..

There i said it.

She has a deep dark secret that she told me recently. Well i have one to, one i hate one that i wish i could block out and remove forever.

She writes about her child hood and blocks out some of the things that have happened to her. My therapist has indicated at it. "why don't you like being on your own" "why do you want to start wanking the moment you are on your own." "Do you think about women when you self gratify". I think my sister in law ,(shes actually my niece but really is more like my sister-in-law) has worked part of it out. I wank because wanking is or self gratification is comforting. I sucked my thumb up until i was 18. I like moves that i can escape into. i like videos that i can escape into Doing something else stops the demons from coming and taunting me with memories of things that have happened to me. Things i don't want to remember.

Yesterday i started self harming. I haven't liked myself in years.and it all goes back to those times in Melksham. Walking home along the river, being chased by 3 bastards. Jimmy Parks and Peter Green. The other boy i remember his face like it was yesterday. I couldn't wait to leave Melksham and leave for Cyprus i could not leave that town fast enough. I don't like forming relationships with men, because teenage boys in particular hurt you both physically and emotionally. I loved Cyprus because i was finally free of the those bastards.

I have been watching the case of Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris in the UK. Those bastards deserve everything they fucking get. Using there position of power to rape and abuse young girls and boys. I hope they rot in jail for some of the taument and anguish they have caused on their victims. How sick can you possibly get being children entertainers and then using that to lure their victims. They deserve everything they get.

I remember the boys that chased me every day, over and over again. i know two of them by name i hear them taunting me calling me. "he fagot let me show you a real man", "let me shove this up ya arse" "Austin you Gay bastard" "Austin you homo" and "Hey Homo". I remember their punches as they beat me down there boots kicking my body , i remember them forcing me down. I remember pleading for help, asking them not to do this. No one heard my cries not even the the police man that i sort refuge with at the police station. I remember the heard of cows looking on and the sun shining and the birds singing and i hate every fucking moment of that day. I remember there grubby little hands on me , their grunts and their vile hot breath. I hate the fucking bastards and i don't want to remember the rest. I remember my foreskin ripping as they yanked and pulled it back and i struggled to get away. I look at myself and see the scare every day and remember what they did.

I would rather smash my fucking face into the floor than remember what happened all those years ago.

My wife says she cant deal with her demons , her own sexual abuse as a child. Sometimes i want my wife to just shut up and let me hold her. hold her in my arms. wrap my arms around her. i want her to tell me everything is going to be alright and we are going to work this out. Sometimes i want her to wrap her arms around me and protect me.

My therapist says that i have a secret garden i put my mother in the gate keeping guard of the gate. funny really because the very people i need to protect me let me down. My dad was to busy working and my mum was too naive. But then that was an age when boys would be boys , teenage pregnancy was not heard of and no one talked about sex. My therophist also says i'm drawn to people that are the same. I can scan the room and work out who i have a chance with who is addicted to sex but i'm also drawn to people that are broken. please that have been abused, beaten tortured.

It took me years to work out i wasn't in fact gay or attracted to men not in that sense anyway. Just the opposite most men repulse me. I hear how they talk about women with there dirty little jokes and it reminds me of those boys all those years ago.  But then again i have found women are not much better , they taunt you with i love you and want to be with you forever and your the man for me, but don't mind my boyfriend or they run off with your best friend.

Sometimes i feel emotionally dead. Feel like i'm going to explode trying to fight back crying because crying is a weakness , if they see you cry Steve then they see they have won and what they did was OK and what they did was right.

My wife doesn't understand the addiction i have, she wants to but she will never. She says she has never met anyone that needs praise like i do and when i don't get it i ask for it. I loved performing for want o f a better word for women. Some times i think i should have been a male stripper  the attention and the adoration that those men get must be the biggest fucking high. it wasn't really the sex to a large extent it was the attention and the adoration that i seek and sort.

My therapist thinks i like to be in control and to a very large extent after talking through with my wife i have to agree.  When you have two strong willed people in a relationship that doesn't always work out. I think we both like to be in control because of our past. her because of what happened to her but me because i couldn't stop 4 shits from garbing me , beating the shit out of me and doing what they did.

Maybe all this is about proving those shits wrong that i'm not the things they called me or the things they did to me.

All i know is that i'm ready for this to be over and to finally lay this crap to rest and move on.

 She may not believe me on some things and that i haven't done some things, she may never trust me ever again. but i have loved her more in the last few months than i have ever loved her. I want her to know if she will give me a chance i will make the next 8 years better than the last 8 years. I want to grow old and have picket fences . i want to hear my children and my grand children laughing in the loving home we have built together.

It's time my mother moved over there needs to be a new guard to the garden of secrets. I just want that chance.  So there is my secret and no i don't want to remember it or tell people about it and yes i would rather hurt myself than face up to that.