Tuesday, May 27, 2014

A rest byte from history and how i'm feeling today,

Kind of left every one hanging for the next thrilling installment of this. not even sure why I'm writing it and who its for . Is it for me to talk about my issues of for the satisfaction of someone else. Who knows for now we will keep plodding on.

feeling very low today i had a good weekend with some family members coming over but all the other issues resurfaced within moments of them leaving.

My wife is very angry this weekend. Friday she threatened to leave again. Says she needed a few days by herself so i ended up hiding the Car Keys so she couldn't leave. I pined ehr to the bed and refused to let go. Then last night during sex i suddenly stopped performing. Came as a bit of a shock. The ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster, i feel are starting to take toll. I constantly feel I'm in a tunnel again and last night i even thought about slitting my wrists. Felt so easy just to run a bath and get the box cutter and slice away. I really don't know what stopped me to be honest and ended up just having a shower.

My wife feels that I'm still holding stuff back and that when she asked me about stuff i explode. She feels I'm still protecting the people i messed around with. She wants details which im trying to give but at teh same time i want to start moving forward and focusing on the positive things. like our kids , like we are still together.

Well i have a few issues with some of the negative stuff so here it is in more detials. She feels she is in need of revenge. This is actually something i really don't like. Perfectly normal for her to feel that way but the actual act of her taking revenge on someone i feel is repulsive and not really the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. The ultimate revenge would be to fix our marriage so we are once again a loving couple, we are best friends and stand fast against the world. The other thing i have a problem with it, is that like Karma , revenge has a way of backfiring on you. She has been asked by our councillor and family members not to seek revenge. It wont give allot of satisfaction She says its the only way sehs is going to get some of the answers she needs.  I just pray to god that she will get the answers she wants. So she contacted one of the biggest gossips in the Casino that i used to work at to get the HR Directors email address told her everything. That alone upset me the most, the email not so much but the consequences of the email do worry me.

One of the issues with having a cyber sex addiction is that controlling the urge to have cyber sex is almost impossible it takes great strength , when I'm feeling depressed, lonely or particularly horny it's easy to slip into wanting cyber sex. So not to go into to many details the person i did it with has video evidence of me performing acts at my place of work. All it would take is one email with that attached video and my carrier is over and i will be looking for a new job. I lucked into this job and ended up proving my self to the management here. I'm well respected and liked. I know i should have thought about that at the time but as i said when you have these urges it like they take over and there is nothing you can do or say about it that can change it.

The other issue is my wife is convinced that i met this person and we met in a hotel. I will swear to my dieing day that we did not meet. She claims there is evidence to prove that we did meet. An entry in the history in my browsers a text message with direction to the place i was going to. I spent about $100 on the weekend i went away. She feels i got cash out to pay for the hotel. Well i bought coffee, bandages and a first aid kit i also bought a coffee pot that would go on a camp stove and some bottles of water. There wouldn't have been anything left to pay for a hotel. We talked about meeting but as with all talk it came to nothing and i ended up in a tent with a dog freezing cold by myself, the skunk that came to visit and the coyottee.

Something i did find was that ATT do delayed billing they store all your data transfers for a couple of hours and then bill them. I work with computers i know about file sizes and transfers. video transfers even for a short period of time can consume vast amounts of data 100's of mega bytes

Just looking at my phone and the file sizes on my phone they average between 4 mega bytes and 9 mega bytes.

So for the entries that are on the bill that was a transfer of 1 maybe three pictures in that time. ATT also confirmed that part of that could have been an application being updated logging onto face book as that uses allot of data. Viewing pictures on face book would result in similar data transfers.

Then there is the entries in my History, the problem i have with this part is that it doesn't say what date or time that that entry took place or what other pages were looked at just that it took place. The problem with this is that if there is a pop up or an advertisement on a page it also logs that. You click off it and move on. Some of these sites say meet local girls or men , well they all say that. Does it mean i signed up to these sites and meet them, No it does not.

One thing that did come out of the weekend is that years ago i took a photograph of an espiring model. shes was is gorgious. she is not thin but actually quite curvey. I hadnt releised how many times i had sort out her later pictures and videos. I had advised her not to go into the porn industry well she eventaully did but my looking her up on the internet had got quite obsessive and thats somthing really does scare me.

One of the things i have been asked is to prove i did not meet this person. I have talked around and there is much scratching of heads . "the thats a hard one" or "not sure how you can do that" often comes up but everyone does say well you will have to prove it. Again i have no idea how i can do that and i hope someone out there can come up with some ideas.

So i didnt want to leave this on a negative note allthough i am having a time controlling my emotions today, i felt very weepy this morning not so suicidal but depressed all the same.

3 things that came out of the weeked that i did enjoy was

1. we was introduced to GEOCacheing. I really enjoyed hunting for these Caches and and most of all enjoyed an activity with my wife. She likes to play the find the items games on the internet this is one way to bring that back into reality and do something as an activity together. Thanks Annie for introducing that too us.

2. Bike rides. We took a bike ride that lasted 4 hours. We rode around the town we lieve in. They ahve a thing called the path finder which is a set of trails and walks that you can ride a bike on. I think i had more fun on that ride with my wife than any other time in our marriage. We took photographs along the way, got a drink and somthing to eat but in the main talked about anything but whats going on. We eneded upw alking the last part back as we were both tired ( i didnt tell her that , wanted here to think i was ready for another 10 miles) but to be honest i dont think i could have cycled another step ( Manly pride and all that).

3. My wife's eyes. I have been looking very deeply into my wifes eyes recently . The fire has gone out for them a little at the moment , they look dialhated and more grey than blue. All our daughters have bright blue eyes. I love my wife's eyes they are beutiful and i love the intenstity that they stare back at me with. My wife has only on a few occasions clossed her eyes when kissing me. somthing i find very strange . However recently i have started keeping my eyes open jsut to see her eyes as i kiss her. One day i will take some pictures of her eyes so you to can see the beuty that they really are.

Friday, May 23, 2014

I leave the seat up

This is going to be a little different. For the first time in 47 years i'm going to be writing about something and everything but under a pen name.

My name doesn't matter to me but some people namely my wife who i adore very much wanted to keep some privacy so for the sake of this i'm going by the name of Steve Austin the Million Dollar Man (it was a 70s show that i liked as a kid).

Names but not places will be changed but little else.

So where to begin......

For the last 30 years i have been addicted to Cyber Porn and Pornography, there i said it , unfortunately in this day and age people thin you mean the child stuff and not the adult stuff. so in order to detail where i have come from and where i have got to is going to take a while so sit back pull a beer up and smoke a cigar if your reading this as its going to be a long ride.

So a little history. I have already given away my age. 3 years off 50 most people and mainly women say i look in my late 30's. I actually find reaching the age of 50 a little daunting and a little frightening i really don't like the idea of getting old.

I was born in the south of England not to far away from one of the largest universities in the United Kingdom. My father was in the RAF so after a while we moved to Wiltshire and lived on airbases. My parents at that time where both very religious every Wednesday and Sunday we would go to church. Mostly non-denominational church. Everyone wore a suit and tie (if you was a man) and a dress and a Sunday best hat if you was a woman. Nothing reveling very modest.

The culture of the time was that all the tabloid Newspapers had a pin up girl. A musician friend of mine once summed it up in the following lines "A Demon of a witch , smiling for the circulation." The witch was always big breasted smiling alluring and somewhat exciting to look at. There was also Benny Hill and the Carry on Movies at the time very risky and naughty (for that time and era). For a young boy exciting all the same.

With my Dad being a photographer in the RAF it also meant that on occasions i would see images of  naked woman in what is called Fine art Portraiture. The justification is its not pornography its ART. Its something that i have now come to question.

With England being very European there was always something worth watching on TV and channel 4, they used to call it the Euro-zone TV. but inevitably it meant watching something about a nudist or some ART etc etc .

Between the ages of 13 and 16 I was badly bulled at school. I also questioned my sexuality. I was never abused as a child i just wanted to point that out. My mother and father have been very loving and supportive over the years.  It's now my wife's turn to be supportive and to be honest i don't know how she does it.

My family move to a small market town in 1977. I was the new kid on the block, my dad worked long hours and worked for a local business man. This businessman was ex-RaF and between the two of them , mainly my dad built this business up to the point that they took pictures of royalty. The children of my Dads boss were very angry at him for divorcing their mother so an opportunity arose to get back at him through me.

In those days one would shower with all the other boys after we had played Football, Not the American kind and Rugby. at the age of 13 and just learning about my body i made the huge mistake of saying to another boy "oh let our dicks kiss" Being very naive and somewhat immature at 13 this mistake would cost me for the rest of my then life until i moved away at the age of 16.

I also found the local bullies. I wasn't very strong then infact i was not very smart either . My Dad had always said take the first punch , give as good as you get and fight back but that never quite seemed to work. I often remember walking along the river so as not to get beat up on the way home from school. Which then was a daily occurrence. Often i would come home with some bruise or inability to walk properly. On one occasion i sort refuge at the local police station only to be shouted at by the local copper. I remember getting home 2hrs late and my mum crying and shouting at the policeman down the phone about me being bullied.

I did however get to talk to girls. I find it easy to talk to girls.Girls then took piety on my. there was the two Mary's and Sam. I spoke to Sam years later but she had moved to New York with her Husband and seemed to love life. Mary A and Sam always sat behind me in class , always nice and always willing to talk to me.   Mary B sat to my side. There was always something about that Mary that i always wanted to kiss and had a huge crush on but i never quite got out of the friends zone and some times wonder what every happened to wither one of them. There was Emma.  Emma had the same surname as my mothers maiden name. She never looked at me twice. During this time the bullying had got to its height and i was so determined to prove i wasn't gay i started to work out how i could break into a house and climb into bed with Emma. Emma had defend me on a  few occasions so i convinced my self that she was the one. But dumb me never quite understood how to go to the next point. In those days it meant going to the school club but being a christian family we didn't do that sort of thing as it was not the proper christian thing to do. So as you can imagine i have always found talking to men difficult.

My Grandparents, Norma and ALf were camp wardens and one particular summer my sister and I Sarah were packed off to Uxbridge a small town just off the Now M40. During this camping trip i met a girl and this was my first experience of ...well fondling and masturbation. Jane had brown hair, was not thin by any means of the imagination but for some reason was very keen to see my dick. My sister would leave the tent and Jane would come in and insist on touching and holding me. All very nice to a 15 year old boy and i got to fondle boobs. God how i feel in love with boobs. there soft squishy and nipples get hard as you stroke and play with them. That was one of the happiest summers of my life.

So by the time i was 16 and my parents decided to head to the middle east. The bullying had got really bad and any relief from it only happened when we went away camping with my grandparents. so i had my bags packed and was ready to go in quick time. New start new life. By this point i was wetting the bed but had not really started masturbating after all the bible tells us its a sin and a bad thing. Well that's what i thought at the time. My time in the middle east was a little none eventful as far as girls where concerned . I always went for the blond. Well everyone that lives in the middle east and is not Greek, Arab or Turkish soon as blonde hair ever if they arrived in the country with dark hair. School was good, the sea and beach were fun and that was pretty much each. I only kissed one girl in that time all pretty boring really. I chased a few , even broke an ankle trying to catch up with one but nothing every quite passed the kissing and holding hands.

There was one girl who came for the summer (Just as we where leaving) i fell head over heals for her. Her parents where taking over my parents position with the christian missionary organisation. She was dark haired (curly) and a lot of fun. We went to the beach together and hung out allot. We where both 17 and over the next 2 years (On and Off) our relationship would end up being a long distance one with letters every 2 weeks. This was before the Internet and mobile phones. Seems so very prehistoric now.  We never meet again. She eventually married some guy and nearly died in a motorbike accident. I heard he was driving and they hit a pot hole in one of the Greek roads of Cyprus , She lost a few toes and he had a spinal injury that nearly resulted in him being paralyzed. One good thing about this time was i learnt to play guitar. I did have 2 male friends Stephan and Michael both Swedish both had blonde hair. Stephan's now has dark hair and Michael doesn't have any.  Stephan used to dress in a Red Leather Pants and ride his push bike with no hands singing deep purple songs or black Sabbath songs at the top of his voice. The best thing about living in Cyprus was the beach. summer bikinis and girls wanting Sun tans,  for a young man this was paradise but the reality was we never ever got anywhere, saw anything or did anything.

All good things must come to an end so it wasn't long before we as a family , broke and penniless headed to the north of England. I was 18 and still had not had a long term girlfriend or reached second base.....