feeling very low today i had a good weekend with some family members coming over but all the other issues resurfaced within moments of them leaving.
My wife is very angry this weekend. Friday she threatened to leave again. Says she needed a few days by herself so i ended up hiding the Car Keys so she couldn't leave. I pined ehr to the bed and refused to let go. Then last night during sex i suddenly stopped performing. Came as a bit of a shock. The ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster, i feel are starting to take toll. I constantly feel I'm in a tunnel again and last night i even thought about slitting my wrists. Felt so easy just to run a bath and get the box cutter and slice away. I really don't know what stopped me to be honest and ended up just having a shower.
My wife feels that I'm still holding stuff back and that when she asked me about stuff i explode. She feels I'm still protecting the people i messed around with. She wants details which im trying to give but at teh same time i want to start moving forward and focusing on the positive things. like our kids , like we are still together.
Well i have a few issues with some of the negative stuff so here it is in more detials. She feels she is in need of revenge. This is actually something i really don't like. Perfectly normal for her to feel that way but the actual act of her taking revenge on someone i feel is repulsive and not really the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. The ultimate revenge would be to fix our marriage so we are once again a loving couple, we are best friends and stand fast against the world. The other thing i have a problem with it, is that like Karma , revenge has a way of backfiring on you. She has been asked by our councillor and family members not to seek revenge. It wont give allot of satisfaction She says its the only way sehs is going to get some of the answers she needs. I just pray to god that she will get the answers she wants. So she contacted one of the biggest gossips in the Casino that i used to work at to get the HR Directors email address told her everything. That alone upset me the most, the email not so much but the consequences of the email do worry me.
One of the issues with having a cyber sex addiction is that controlling the urge to have cyber sex is almost impossible it takes great strength , when I'm feeling depressed, lonely or particularly horny it's easy to slip into wanting cyber sex. So not to go into to many details the person i did it with has video evidence of me performing acts at my place of work. All it would take is one email with that attached video and my carrier is over and i will be looking for a new job. I lucked into this job and ended up proving my self to the management here. I'm well respected and liked. I know i should have thought about that at the time but as i said when you have these urges it like they take over and there is nothing you can do or say about it that can change it.
The other issue is my wife is convinced that i met this person and we met in a hotel. I will swear to my dieing day that we did not meet. She claims there is evidence to prove that we did meet. An entry in the history in my browsers a text message with direction to the place i was going to. I spent about $100 on the weekend i went away. She feels i got cash out to pay for the hotel. Well i bought coffee, bandages and a first aid kit i also bought a coffee pot that would go on a camp stove and some bottles of water. There wouldn't have been anything left to pay for a hotel. We talked about meeting but as with all talk it came to nothing and i ended up in a tent with a dog freezing cold by myself, the skunk that came to visit and the coyottee.
Something i did find was that ATT do delayed billing they store all your data transfers for a couple of hours and then bill them. I work with computers i know about file sizes and transfers. video transfers even for a short period of time can consume vast amounts of data 100's of mega bytes
Just looking at my phone and the file sizes on my phone they average between 4 mega bytes and 9 mega bytes.
So for the entries that are on the bill that was a transfer of 1 maybe three pictures in that time. ATT also confirmed that part of that could have been an application being updated logging onto face book as that uses allot of data. Viewing pictures on face book would result in similar data transfers.
Then there is the entries in my History, the problem i have with this part is that it doesn't say what date or time that that entry took place or what other pages were looked at just that it took place. The problem with this is that if there is a pop up or an advertisement on a page it also logs that. You click off it and move on. Some of these sites say meet local girls or men , well they all say that. Does it mean i signed up to these sites and meet them, No it does not.
One thing that did come out of the weekend is that years ago i took a photograph of an espiring model. shes was is gorgious. she is not thin but actually quite curvey. I hadnt releised how many times i had sort out her later pictures and videos. I had advised her not to go into the porn industry well she eventaully did but my looking her up on the internet had got quite obsessive and thats somthing really does scare me.
One of the things i have been asked is to prove i did not meet this person. I have talked around and there is much scratching of heads . "the thats a hard one" or "not sure how you can do that" often comes up but everyone does say well you will have to prove it. Again i have no idea how i can do that and i hope someone out there can come up with some ideas.
So i didnt want to leave this on a negative note allthough i am having a time controlling my emotions today, i felt very weepy this morning not so suicidal but depressed all the same.
3 things that came out of the weeked that i did enjoy was
1. we was introduced to GEOCacheing. I really enjoyed hunting for these Caches and and most of all enjoyed an activity with my wife. She likes to play the find the items games on the internet this is one way to bring that back into reality and do something as an activity together. Thanks Annie for introducing that too us.
2. Bike rides. We took a bike ride that lasted 4 hours. We rode around the town we lieve in. They ahve a thing called the path finder which is a set of trails and walks that you can ride a bike on. I think i had more fun on that ride with my wife than any other time in our marriage. We took photographs along the way, got a drink and somthing to eat but in the main talked about anything but whats going on. We eneded upw alking the last part back as we were both tired ( i didnt tell her that , wanted here to think i was ready for another 10 miles) but to be honest i dont think i could have cycled another step ( Manly pride and all that).
3. My wife's eyes. I have been looking very deeply into my wifes eyes recently . The fire has gone out for them a little at the moment , they look dialhated and more grey than blue. All our daughters have bright blue eyes. I love my wife's eyes they are beutiful and i love the intenstity that they stare back at me with. My wife has only on a few occasions clossed her eyes when kissing me. somthing i find very strange . However recently i have started keeping my eyes open jsut to see her eyes as i kiss her. One day i will take some pictures of her eyes so you to can see the beuty that they really are.
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