Sunday, September 7, 2014

Like me

I watched a video of a man that kept his secret until he was 50 , I turned 47 last month , one aspect of his video was that he conquered women , worried he was gay, it really stood out and shocked me that this is what I have been doing and really in not alone. 

Had a good weekend but I'm finding I do have to take my meds at the same time . 2-3 hours late causes me to have side effects even temper tantrums. Things that u find difficult to handle because that is not really me . 

Work tomorow , we will see what that brings

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Long time

It's been a long time since I last made a post. My depression took a turn for he worse as I had a major side effect to the Prozac. I couldn't stop shaking and felt on edge all the time.

We also moved house. My wife couldn't handle the fact that I had cheated on her and the urge to give way to my addiction was very strong. So an opertunity to move and start new and I grabbed it with both hands. It took us a whole month to move and wore the two of us out. 

We had a good vacation in south pardra and I ended up with a new tatto. 
My wife is still very hurt and it kills me to see her cry. She still doesn't understand what it's like to be recovering from this. She says she does but I can tell from her responses she doesn't. I'm not making excuses for it after all they where my actions and my choices but the craving to watch porn video sex with someone or self gratify has been very strong. This seems to be subsiding. I haven't self gratified since April. I'm actually quite proud of , I haven't done any of he other things either .

My coucncilor has been teaching me coping technices. My coping technics have been sex , so that's out of the question now. This has left me feeling very empty, lonely and frightened.

So I have been trying to find a happy place , this proved difficult so now I have been trying to imagine my happy place. But this is stil hard and remembering to go to it when I'm not coping is always hard. Makes me feel a bit foolish as it reminds me of the daughter in Tom cruises version of war of he worlds try's to find her happy place.

I have been looking at women diffently to, 
Again proving very difficult , I try not to focus in on boobs, ass, or legs. I know try and focus on the face looking straight at there eyes. I also ask god to make them a Chanel for his will. 

I took the step recently to tell my family what happened to me and what he result was. It didn't go well....

I think they went into deep denial , then they hought I was finding what happens to me as being there fault , which it wasn't. But one of the things that came out was the way my mother treats my wife. I tried to make hem understand that this wasn't right tried sending an email but all I got was excuses for what had happened. I felt my heart was going to break because I have always been under the impression that my family was great that they came together in crisis and would support me but more importantly my wife . This didn't happen my wife got upset and wright my so but the pressure of it all because when I talked to them on the phone . I guess I just have up which again wasn't he right thing to so but I just couldn't cope. 

Last night it all became to much and I felt I couldn't breath so I drove to a park to get my head steaight. 

Today has been hard to dealing with bosses and trying to get out of this depression. I still feel empty and I need to fill that . I love my wife and I hate me for doing this to her , breaks my heart to see her angry or cry because of he pain I have caused her. She really is the only perosn in my leg right now that supports me on a daily basis , so
Thing I will always be great full for.