Tuesday, October 14, 2014

and life continues

recently the office that i have been getting counseling from no longer wants to accept my insurance. So time to move office, my councilor is great and is helping me through it.

I have noticed a few auto biography one by Stephen Fry and one by Johnny Rotten. I want to put both on my Christmas list. I watched a video of Stephen Fry talking about his book and it compeled me to to write a letter to him

Mr Stephen Fry
c/o Hamilton Hodell Limited
Fifth Floor
66-68 Margaret Street
London W1W 8SR

Dear Stephen,
I recently watched your interview on the BBC about you’re new book ”More fool me.”, I never knew you are recovering from an addiction and this interested me in many ways. I have followed your work since I was a teenager, I wouldn’t say I was a great fan but I have enjoyed some of the work you have produced.
Whilst I have never had a drug addiction I have had another addiction that I have been recently getting help with, there was a number of things in the interview that made me sit up and take note and one was the immense foolishness that once feels after realizing you are addicted to a substance and act or something that completely takes over your life. I also found it interesting that you mentioned it became your coping mechanism. I recently was confronted with my addiction and it was amazing how quickly I no longer had a coping mechanism to deal with the day to day of life and what it throws at you. At 47 I have to now to learn news ways of coping after some 35 years of relying on my addiction to get through life.
I just wanted to say thanks for putting it out there so that people like myself who are just taking baby steps in recovery can be encouraged to continue and move forward.

So on wards and forwards.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Like me

I watched a video of a man that kept his secret until he was 50 , I turned 47 last month , one aspect of his video was that he conquered women , worried he was gay, it really stood out and shocked me that this is what I have been doing and really in not alone. 

Had a good weekend but I'm finding I do have to take my meds at the same time . 2-3 hours late causes me to have side effects even temper tantrums. Things that u find difficult to handle because that is not really me . 

Work tomorow , we will see what that brings

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Long time

It's been a long time since I last made a post. My depression took a turn for he worse as I had a major side effect to the Prozac. I couldn't stop shaking and felt on edge all the time.

We also moved house. My wife couldn't handle the fact that I had cheated on her and the urge to give way to my addiction was very strong. So an opertunity to move and start new and I grabbed it with both hands. It took us a whole month to move and wore the two of us out. 

We had a good vacation in south pardra and I ended up with a new tatto. 
My wife is still very hurt and it kills me to see her cry. She still doesn't understand what it's like to be recovering from this. She says she does but I can tell from her responses she doesn't. I'm not making excuses for it after all they where my actions and my choices but the craving to watch porn video sex with someone or self gratify has been very strong. This seems to be subsiding. I haven't self gratified since April. I'm actually quite proud of , I haven't done any of he other things either .

My coucncilor has been teaching me coping technices. My coping technics have been sex , so that's out of the question now. This has left me feeling very empty, lonely and frightened.

So I have been trying to find a happy place , this proved difficult so now I have been trying to imagine my happy place. But this is stil hard and remembering to go to it when I'm not coping is always hard. Makes me feel a bit foolish as it reminds me of the daughter in Tom cruises version of war of he worlds try's to find her happy place.

I have been looking at women diffently to, 
Again proving very difficult , I try not to focus in on boobs, ass, or legs. I know try and focus on the face looking straight at there eyes. I also ask god to make them a Chanel for his will. 

I took the step recently to tell my family what happened to me and what he result was. It didn't go well....

I think they went into deep denial , then they hought I was finding what happens to me as being there fault , which it wasn't. But one of the things that came out was the way my mother treats my wife. I tried to make hem understand that this wasn't right tried sending an email but all I got was excuses for what had happened. I felt my heart was going to break because I have always been under the impression that my family was great that they came together in crisis and would support me but more importantly my wife . This didn't happen my wife got upset and wright my so but the pressure of it all because when I talked to them on the phone . I guess I just have up which again wasn't he right thing to so but I just couldn't cope. 

Last night it all became to much and I felt I couldn't breath so I drove to a park to get my head steaight. 

Today has been hard to dealing with bosses and trying to get out of this depression. I still feel empty and I need to fill that . I love my wife and I hate me for doing this to her , breaks my heart to see her angry or cry because of he pain I have caused her. She really is the only perosn in my leg right now that supports me on a daily basis , so
Thing I will always be great full for.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Good music

most will tell you i'm not into country music. Lately i have been listening to it. I really like Kip Moors work. i heard this today and it struck a chord with me.

"Faith When I Fall"

I know it's been a long time since the last time we talked
I know I've been a stranger and that's all my fault
And asking you for anything don't really seem right
But the winds of change are blowing so I'm begging you tonight

Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me light up ahead on a journey
Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall

I know the rain is coming and it's sure gonna pour
I know there ain't no running from this kind of storm
It's gonna get harder and harder, they keep on pushing through
I'm gonna wanna quit, so I'll be counting on you

To give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me light up ahead on a journey
Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall

When the clouds start parting and the sun starts shining through
This time I wont forget, I wont forget about you

Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me light up ahead on a journey
Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall

Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall, yeah

Teenage to mid 30s...

So back to the history lesson.

Upon arriving back in England and in a new town I attended was a 6th form college. Being the New guy and not having a northern accent a couple of girls started talking to me. I started hanging out with one in particular. We would go baby sitting together and hang out at each other’s house. Before long I had my hand down her blouse and almost to second base. But being a teenagers it wasn’t too sooner before her best friend came up to me and said she didn’t want to be my girlfriend any more as I was boring , had no money and didn’t take her anywhere. I was pretty much devastated.

Then there was another girl at the college that said hey I like you let’s get it on. I felt uncomfortable and wanted to take my time but soon after if found out that very same day she found an empty class room and had sex with another guy.

Then another girl showed up, blonde and gorgeous. She wanted to know about god and for a while we started talking and emotionally being connected. My dad took photos of her for a magazine. She then vanished without a trace only to tune up years later. Never a sorry I hurt you or broke you.

I was pretty much into pornography by this time , buying anything by playboy I liked the images and told myself they was more classy than say penthouse or hustler.

My sister introduced me to a girl that was 18 I was 22 , she was another blonde , she could give a guy the best hand job ever. She never wanted to do anything else. I went away to college for my second degree and she stopped the weekend. On one return trip she was late to meet me. The next day her friend was with her and let it out that she had seen someone else. I was devastated. Tried getting back with her but it was all falling apart and crushing. From that point I never wanted to let someone get so close, it was too painful and totally crushing.

 More blondes came into my life; one was the daughter of a guy I was working. All smiles and flirting but then when it came down to it one big headache. The other came into a club I worked at after 3 months of flirting she went off with a guy and got married. Funny thing is I became friends with him only to find out 20 years later he had gone through similar experiences to me.

Then I meet another blonde. She was younger but fun but the kind that went for the soppy stuff, teddy bears and cards, childish gogar talk.  Sad thing is by this point I just wanted someone to hang out with. She would stop the night occasionally and we had fun. I lost my virginity to her. Was the worst experience ever? She just lied there did not move. She left early the next day and I never saw her again. Later I found out she wanted me to chase after her and beg her to come back. Any other relationship I probably would have but for some reason I just wasn’t interested in anything being hard work.

A few more dates with a few other blondes and again messed around with. Smiles and the come-on look but never wanting anything more.

The internet had arrived by this point or rather the first version of it. Compuserve USA was an online service, you could chat with people, got to forums and download pictures.

I got chatting with a woman, I really liked her, and she told me she had a child. Nothing unusual lots of women in that town had kids. When went on a couple of dates but then I stated to realize she was not telling me the truth. She was married and had 2 children and she just wanted to swing.

One of the previous come-on blondes introduced me to my first wife. Within a week she had come to visit me for a weekend. A few weeks later I went and stayed with her for a few days. We got on well and had a lot of fun. But I soon realized there were problems, she had been mentally ill, Electric shock treatment and was on medication. Very bipolar and had a temper.

In that time she was always with other guys, I’m doing this with that person or I’m doing that. One day she stayed at some guys house the night. I should have ended it then. I don’t know why I didn’t.

After a year I moved to London to be with her. She got me a job working for the government and working at Milbank London, just by the river. I asked her dad if I could marry her and he said no. he wanted us to wait. He was pretty high up in the English government and was a top ranking customs and excise official.

We both moved in with my parents. It was rough, we both got temping jobs and after a year we arranged to get married. The day of the wedding I nearly backed out , wedding nerves I don’t know but I talked myself back into it.

3 years later , my first Son came along. Life was pretty good. No Porn, no desires everything seemed good.

I got a job in another town; we wanted to move closer to her parents. I stopped with my grandparents. I was in my early thirties. I would go out with the young guys in the office. We would go roller blading, then on to the pub then more than often onto a club. We would dance the night away in a Hard Rock smoky atmosphere full of rock chic’s and goths. My friend Derick and I had a thing for goths. We would both drool.  But nothing ever happened; I would stumble home and at the weekend head home.

My second son was born but by this point thing both work wise and home was bad. Constant arguing, she no longer wanted to move and I didn’t understand why. My best friend a Vicker was coming over, I never thought anything off it , just doing his pastoral duty. I was made redundant and went home.

Within weeks, I was involved in a major car wreck. My wife under pressure from her father wanted me to go back to work, turns out I had broken my neck and crushed my voice box. I set up my own company and was doing pretty well. Some months we had a lot of money others we didn’t. We never managed it well. By this time she was going out most weekends partying with her friends. One morning she came home after it got light. She confessed she had been with another man. My world collapsed. I moved to the couch and eventually to a small office attached to the house. I started going online

I started looking into the swinging seen and the bondage and dominatix scene.

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's been a while

i want to sleep. yesterday was a rough day. another revelation and my wife was back to the beginning with everything flooding back everything that i have done wrong and put her through. I cant sleep. My head hurts and is banging and no matter what pain pills i take it wont go away. I don't want to talk about things i just want to write and be left in peace

I am learning the hard way. everything is relevant everything has details that she, my wife wants to know. sometimes i wish i could remember those so we could move on and be done with this. Sometimes i think, does it change anything, does it change the shit i have been.  She thinks i only want to be with her because no one else does. She wants to know why i don't like her with dark hair but like her blonde. I like her because she is her.  I like the way she feels next to me the softness of her skin. i like the way her breasts feel in my mouth and in my hands . I like the way she feels when i am inside her. I love the way she giggles when i touch a certain spot on her neck. I like the way she is into me like no one has ever been before. She complains i never talk to her on the phone yet spent hours hours on the phone with these different women i had online relationships with. Sometimes i just want to her her talk and hear her breath  I wish she would realize that i choose her because i love the person she is. Some times she scare me because of how deeply i have let her get close to me.

My wife says there is a deep dark secret that i'm holding from her or not telling her everything. Well there is ..

There i said it.

She has a deep dark secret that she told me recently. Well i have one to, one i hate one that i wish i could block out and remove forever.

She writes about her child hood and blocks out some of the things that have happened to her. My therapist has indicated at it. "why don't you like being on your own" "why do you want to start wanking the moment you are on your own." "Do you think about women when you self gratify". I think my sister in law ,(shes actually my niece but really is more like my sister-in-law) has worked part of it out. I wank because wanking is or self gratification is comforting. I sucked my thumb up until i was 18. I like moves that i can escape into. i like videos that i can escape into Doing something else stops the demons from coming and taunting me with memories of things that have happened to me. Things i don't want to remember.

Yesterday i started self harming. I haven't liked myself in years.and it all goes back to those times in Melksham. Walking home along the river, being chased by 3 bastards. Jimmy Parks and Peter Green. The other boy i remember his face like it was yesterday. I couldn't wait to leave Melksham and leave for Cyprus i could not leave that town fast enough. I don't like forming relationships with men, because teenage boys in particular hurt you both physically and emotionally. I loved Cyprus because i was finally free of the those bastards.

I have been watching the case of Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris in the UK. Those bastards deserve everything they fucking get. Using there position of power to rape and abuse young girls and boys. I hope they rot in jail for some of the taument and anguish they have caused on their victims. How sick can you possibly get being children entertainers and then using that to lure their victims. They deserve everything they get.

I remember the boys that chased me every day, over and over again. i know two of them by name i hear them taunting me calling me. "he fagot let me show you a real man", "let me shove this up ya arse" "Austin you Gay bastard" "Austin you homo" and "Hey Homo". I remember their punches as they beat me down there boots kicking my body , i remember them forcing me down. I remember pleading for help, asking them not to do this. No one heard my cries not even the the police man that i sort refuge with at the police station. I remember the heard of cows looking on and the sun shining and the birds singing and i hate every fucking moment of that day. I remember there grubby little hands on me , their grunts and their vile hot breath. I hate the fucking bastards and i don't want to remember the rest. I remember my foreskin ripping as they yanked and pulled it back and i struggled to get away. I look at myself and see the scare every day and remember what they did.

I would rather smash my fucking face into the floor than remember what happened all those years ago.

My wife says she cant deal with her demons , her own sexual abuse as a child. Sometimes i want my wife to just shut up and let me hold her. hold her in my arms. wrap my arms around her. i want her to tell me everything is going to be alright and we are going to work this out. Sometimes i want her to wrap her arms around me and protect me.

My therapist says that i have a secret garden i put my mother in the gate keeping guard of the gate. funny really because the very people i need to protect me let me down. My dad was to busy working and my mum was too naive. But then that was an age when boys would be boys , teenage pregnancy was not heard of and no one talked about sex. My therophist also says i'm drawn to people that are the same. I can scan the room and work out who i have a chance with who is addicted to sex but i'm also drawn to people that are broken. please that have been abused, beaten tortured.

It took me years to work out i wasn't in fact gay or attracted to men not in that sense anyway. Just the opposite most men repulse me. I hear how they talk about women with there dirty little jokes and it reminds me of those boys all those years ago.  But then again i have found women are not much better , they taunt you with i love you and want to be with you forever and your the man for me, but don't mind my boyfriend or they run off with your best friend.

Sometimes i feel emotionally dead. Feel like i'm going to explode trying to fight back crying because crying is a weakness , if they see you cry Steve then they see they have won and what they did was OK and what they did was right.

My wife doesn't understand the addiction i have, she wants to but she will never. She says she has never met anyone that needs praise like i do and when i don't get it i ask for it. I loved performing for want o f a better word for women. Some times i think i should have been a male stripper  the attention and the adoration that those men get must be the biggest fucking high. it wasn't really the sex to a large extent it was the attention and the adoration that i seek and sort.

My therapist thinks i like to be in control and to a very large extent after talking through with my wife i have to agree.  When you have two strong willed people in a relationship that doesn't always work out. I think we both like to be in control because of our past. her because of what happened to her but me because i couldn't stop 4 shits from garbing me , beating the shit out of me and doing what they did.

Maybe all this is about proving those shits wrong that i'm not the things they called me or the things they did to me.

All i know is that i'm ready for this to be over and to finally lay this crap to rest and move on.

 She may not believe me on some things and that i haven't done some things, she may never trust me ever again. but i have loved her more in the last few months than i have ever loved her. I want her to know if she will give me a chance i will make the next 8 years better than the last 8 years. I want to grow old and have picket fences . i want to hear my children and my grand children laughing in the loving home we have built together.

It's time my mother moved over there needs to be a new guard to the garden of secrets. I just want that chance.  So there is my secret and no i don't want to remember it or tell people about it and yes i would rather hurt myself than face up to that.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

A rest byte from history and how i'm feeling today,

Kind of left every one hanging for the next thrilling installment of this. not even sure why I'm writing it and who its for . Is it for me to talk about my issues of for the satisfaction of someone else. Who knows for now we will keep plodding on.

feeling very low today i had a good weekend with some family members coming over but all the other issues resurfaced within moments of them leaving.

My wife is very angry this weekend. Friday she threatened to leave again. Says she needed a few days by herself so i ended up hiding the Car Keys so she couldn't leave. I pined ehr to the bed and refused to let go. Then last night during sex i suddenly stopped performing. Came as a bit of a shock. The ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster, i feel are starting to take toll. I constantly feel I'm in a tunnel again and last night i even thought about slitting my wrists. Felt so easy just to run a bath and get the box cutter and slice away. I really don't know what stopped me to be honest and ended up just having a shower.

My wife feels that I'm still holding stuff back and that when she asked me about stuff i explode. She feels I'm still protecting the people i messed around with. She wants details which im trying to give but at teh same time i want to start moving forward and focusing on the positive things. like our kids , like we are still together.

Well i have a few issues with some of the negative stuff so here it is in more detials. She feels she is in need of revenge. This is actually something i really don't like. Perfectly normal for her to feel that way but the actual act of her taking revenge on someone i feel is repulsive and not really the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. The ultimate revenge would be to fix our marriage so we are once again a loving couple, we are best friends and stand fast against the world. The other thing i have a problem with it, is that like Karma , revenge has a way of backfiring on you. She has been asked by our councillor and family members not to seek revenge. It wont give allot of satisfaction She says its the only way sehs is going to get some of the answers she needs.  I just pray to god that she will get the answers she wants. So she contacted one of the biggest gossips in the Casino that i used to work at to get the HR Directors email address told her everything. That alone upset me the most, the email not so much but the consequences of the email do worry me.

One of the issues with having a cyber sex addiction is that controlling the urge to have cyber sex is almost impossible it takes great strength , when I'm feeling depressed, lonely or particularly horny it's easy to slip into wanting cyber sex. So not to go into to many details the person i did it with has video evidence of me performing acts at my place of work. All it would take is one email with that attached video and my carrier is over and i will be looking for a new job. I lucked into this job and ended up proving my self to the management here. I'm well respected and liked. I know i should have thought about that at the time but as i said when you have these urges it like they take over and there is nothing you can do or say about it that can change it.

The other issue is my wife is convinced that i met this person and we met in a hotel. I will swear to my dieing day that we did not meet. She claims there is evidence to prove that we did meet. An entry in the history in my browsers a text message with direction to the place i was going to. I spent about $100 on the weekend i went away. She feels i got cash out to pay for the hotel. Well i bought coffee, bandages and a first aid kit i also bought a coffee pot that would go on a camp stove and some bottles of water. There wouldn't have been anything left to pay for a hotel. We talked about meeting but as with all talk it came to nothing and i ended up in a tent with a dog freezing cold by myself, the skunk that came to visit and the coyottee.

Something i did find was that ATT do delayed billing they store all your data transfers for a couple of hours and then bill them. I work with computers i know about file sizes and transfers. video transfers even for a short period of time can consume vast amounts of data 100's of mega bytes

Just looking at my phone and the file sizes on my phone they average between 4 mega bytes and 9 mega bytes.

So for the entries that are on the bill that was a transfer of 1 maybe three pictures in that time. ATT also confirmed that part of that could have been an application being updated logging onto face book as that uses allot of data. Viewing pictures on face book would result in similar data transfers.

Then there is the entries in my History, the problem i have with this part is that it doesn't say what date or time that that entry took place or what other pages were looked at just that it took place. The problem with this is that if there is a pop up or an advertisement on a page it also logs that. You click off it and move on. Some of these sites say meet local girls or men , well they all say that. Does it mean i signed up to these sites and meet them, No it does not.

One thing that did come out of the weekend is that years ago i took a photograph of an espiring model. shes was is gorgious. she is not thin but actually quite curvey. I hadnt releised how many times i had sort out her later pictures and videos. I had advised her not to go into the porn industry well she eventaully did but my looking her up on the internet had got quite obsessive and thats somthing really does scare me.

One of the things i have been asked is to prove i did not meet this person. I have talked around and there is much scratching of heads . "the thats a hard one" or "not sure how you can do that" often comes up but everyone does say well you will have to prove it. Again i have no idea how i can do that and i hope someone out there can come up with some ideas.

So i didnt want to leave this on a negative note allthough i am having a time controlling my emotions today, i felt very weepy this morning not so suicidal but depressed all the same.

3 things that came out of the weeked that i did enjoy was

1. we was introduced to GEOCacheing. I really enjoyed hunting for these Caches and and most of all enjoyed an activity with my wife. She likes to play the find the items games on the internet this is one way to bring that back into reality and do something as an activity together. Thanks Annie for introducing that too us.

2. Bike rides. We took a bike ride that lasted 4 hours. We rode around the town we lieve in. They ahve a thing called the path finder which is a set of trails and walks that you can ride a bike on. I think i had more fun on that ride with my wife than any other time in our marriage. We took photographs along the way, got a drink and somthing to eat but in the main talked about anything but whats going on. We eneded upw alking the last part back as we were both tired ( i didnt tell her that , wanted here to think i was ready for another 10 miles) but to be honest i dont think i could have cycled another step ( Manly pride and all that).

3. My wife's eyes. I have been looking very deeply into my wifes eyes recently . The fire has gone out for them a little at the moment , they look dialhated and more grey than blue. All our daughters have bright blue eyes. I love my wife's eyes they are beutiful and i love the intenstity that they stare back at me with. My wife has only on a few occasions clossed her eyes when kissing me. somthing i find very strange . However recently i have started keeping my eyes open jsut to see her eyes as i kiss her. One day i will take some pictures of her eyes so you to can see the beuty that they really are.

Friday, May 23, 2014

I leave the seat up

This is going to be a little different. For the first time in 47 years i'm going to be writing about something and everything but under a pen name.

My name doesn't matter to me but some people namely my wife who i adore very much wanted to keep some privacy so for the sake of this i'm going by the name of Steve Austin the Million Dollar Man (it was a 70s show that i liked as a kid).

Names but not places will be changed but little else.

So where to begin......

For the last 30 years i have been addicted to Cyber Porn and Pornography, there i said it , unfortunately in this day and age people thin you mean the child stuff and not the adult stuff. so in order to detail where i have come from and where i have got to is going to take a while so sit back pull a beer up and smoke a cigar if your reading this as its going to be a long ride.

So a little history. I have already given away my age. 3 years off 50 most people and mainly women say i look in my late 30's. I actually find reaching the age of 50 a little daunting and a little frightening i really don't like the idea of getting old.

I was born in the south of England not to far away from one of the largest universities in the United Kingdom. My father was in the RAF so after a while we moved to Wiltshire and lived on airbases. My parents at that time where both very religious every Wednesday and Sunday we would go to church. Mostly non-denominational church. Everyone wore a suit and tie (if you was a man) and a dress and a Sunday best hat if you was a woman. Nothing reveling very modest.

The culture of the time was that all the tabloid Newspapers had a pin up girl. A musician friend of mine once summed it up in the following lines "A Demon of a witch , smiling for the circulation." The witch was always big breasted smiling alluring and somewhat exciting to look at. There was also Benny Hill and the Carry on Movies at the time very risky and naughty (for that time and era). For a young boy exciting all the same.

With my Dad being a photographer in the RAF it also meant that on occasions i would see images of  naked woman in what is called Fine art Portraiture. The justification is its not pornography its ART. Its something that i have now come to question.

With England being very European there was always something worth watching on TV and channel 4, they used to call it the Euro-zone TV. but inevitably it meant watching something about a nudist or some ART etc etc .

Between the ages of 13 and 16 I was badly bulled at school. I also questioned my sexuality. I was never abused as a child i just wanted to point that out. My mother and father have been very loving and supportive over the years.  It's now my wife's turn to be supportive and to be honest i don't know how she does it.

My family move to a small market town in 1977. I was the new kid on the block, my dad worked long hours and worked for a local business man. This businessman was ex-RaF and between the two of them , mainly my dad built this business up to the point that they took pictures of royalty. The children of my Dads boss were very angry at him for divorcing their mother so an opportunity arose to get back at him through me.

In those days one would shower with all the other boys after we had played Football, Not the American kind and Rugby. at the age of 13 and just learning about my body i made the huge mistake of saying to another boy "oh let our dicks kiss" Being very naive and somewhat immature at 13 this mistake would cost me for the rest of my then life until i moved away at the age of 16.

I also found the local bullies. I wasn't very strong then infact i was not very smart either . My Dad had always said take the first punch , give as good as you get and fight back but that never quite seemed to work. I often remember walking along the river so as not to get beat up on the way home from school. Which then was a daily occurrence. Often i would come home with some bruise or inability to walk properly. On one occasion i sort refuge at the local police station only to be shouted at by the local copper. I remember getting home 2hrs late and my mum crying and shouting at the policeman down the phone about me being bullied.

I did however get to talk to girls. I find it easy to talk to girls.Girls then took piety on my. there was the two Mary's and Sam. I spoke to Sam years later but she had moved to New York with her Husband and seemed to love life. Mary A and Sam always sat behind me in class , always nice and always willing to talk to me.   Mary B sat to my side. There was always something about that Mary that i always wanted to kiss and had a huge crush on but i never quite got out of the friends zone and some times wonder what every happened to wither one of them. There was Emma.  Emma had the same surname as my mothers maiden name. She never looked at me twice. During this time the bullying had got to its height and i was so determined to prove i wasn't gay i started to work out how i could break into a house and climb into bed with Emma. Emma had defend me on a  few occasions so i convinced my self that she was the one. But dumb me never quite understood how to go to the next point. In those days it meant going to the school club but being a christian family we didn't do that sort of thing as it was not the proper christian thing to do. So as you can imagine i have always found talking to men difficult.

My Grandparents, Norma and ALf were camp wardens and one particular summer my sister and I Sarah were packed off to Uxbridge a small town just off the Now M40. During this camping trip i met a girl and this was my first experience of ...well fondling and masturbation. Jane had brown hair, was not thin by any means of the imagination but for some reason was very keen to see my dick. My sister would leave the tent and Jane would come in and insist on touching and holding me. All very nice to a 15 year old boy and i got to fondle boobs. God how i feel in love with boobs. there soft squishy and nipples get hard as you stroke and play with them. That was one of the happiest summers of my life.

So by the time i was 16 and my parents decided to head to the middle east. The bullying had got really bad and any relief from it only happened when we went away camping with my grandparents. so i had my bags packed and was ready to go in quick time. New start new life. By this point i was wetting the bed but had not really started masturbating after all the bible tells us its a sin and a bad thing. Well that's what i thought at the time. My time in the middle east was a little none eventful as far as girls where concerned . I always went for the blond. Well everyone that lives in the middle east and is not Greek, Arab or Turkish soon as blonde hair ever if they arrived in the country with dark hair. School was good, the sea and beach were fun and that was pretty much each. I only kissed one girl in that time all pretty boring really. I chased a few , even broke an ankle trying to catch up with one but nothing every quite passed the kissing and holding hands.

There was one girl who came for the summer (Just as we where leaving) i fell head over heals for her. Her parents where taking over my parents position with the christian missionary organisation. She was dark haired (curly) and a lot of fun. We went to the beach together and hung out allot. We where both 17 and over the next 2 years (On and Off) our relationship would end up being a long distance one with letters every 2 weeks. This was before the Internet and mobile phones. Seems so very prehistoric now.  We never meet again. She eventually married some guy and nearly died in a motorbike accident. I heard he was driving and they hit a pot hole in one of the Greek roads of Cyprus , She lost a few toes and he had a spinal injury that nearly resulted in him being paralyzed. One good thing about this time was i learnt to play guitar. I did have 2 male friends Stephan and Michael both Swedish both had blonde hair. Stephan's now has dark hair and Michael doesn't have any.  Stephan used to dress in a Red Leather Pants and ride his push bike with no hands singing deep purple songs or black Sabbath songs at the top of his voice. The best thing about living in Cyprus was the beach. summer bikinis and girls wanting Sun tans,  for a young man this was paradise but the reality was we never ever got anywhere, saw anything or did anything.

All good things must come to an end so it wasn't long before we as a family , broke and penniless headed to the north of England. I was 18 and still had not had a long term girlfriend or reached second base.....