Monday, October 10, 2016

And Autumn Comes....

It's Autumn and the leaves are changing slowly. The Hot temperatures of the summer are starting to give way to cold nights and early mornings. With it comes storms that scurry small children into bedrooms frighted of the sound of thunder and shocked by the lightening that they can see.

Birthdays come and go everyone one gets older, Some ready to leave the nest and some still learning and growing into amazing human beings. Old friends pass away and new friends come to stay. If only for a short while. Arguments get heated and forgiveness is sort. Prayers for changes are spoken and life continues to go on changing and molding but nothing every stays the same.

I have been reading Galatians recently, interesting concepts Paul makes in showing how believers in christ are saved through faith. That Christ finished the covenant that was written so long ago before time or man was created, to die and pay the price for sin that had entered into the world.

I have been sober for three and half years now. Sober is probably not the right word for it but i cant think of any other word for it. I wonder what God, my Lord has plans for me. Recently there where redundancies at the place i work at. I was convinced i would be ask to leave. It's been a very frustrating year for me. Very frightening, but God told me to stay. This is the place he wants me to be.

We also started attending a church, a baptist one at that. I never ever in a million years would have thought of attending a Baptist Church. I look at the people who attend and see amazingly kind and gentle people , Who seem to speak kindly and act kindly to others and i yearn to be like them. I pray to be like them.

I still attend counseling but at a different place and not every week. Every other week i meet with a guy that looks like Santa Clause. We have 40 Minutes of talking about life, whats going on, how am i feeling and what i feel is going wrong in my life. He endeavours to teach me cooping skills, How to change fight or flight reactions how to breath how to step back and wait. All of which i seem to fail at miserably.

I have a step daugher that i love far more than she will ever know. She is amazingly beautiful, she is a lot like her mother is both looks and emotions. I know longer know who to communicate with her. I feel sad and downtrodden about this its depressing how our relationship has broken down so much. I feel i have lost my daughter. She has a  boyfriend and has just turned 18 he is now the man of her life She listens to him. She had plans to become something great and go to university and change the world. They are planing on getting a place together , have a baby those plans no longer feature college or changing the world. I blame myself for this. I should have been a father that she wanted to look up to not one she wanted to get away from . I remember when i was 18 how i was going to change the world.... I still wonder what gods plan for me is......

I like my life better now that i am sober, no more hiding running around. My wife worries that something is going on or that i will relapse into who i was before the sky fell in.

I have another daughter that's 8. she was very clingy this weekend. Dad can i go just with you, Dad can i sit on your lap, Dad can i kiss you on the cheek. I asked her what is going on , What's worrying her or troubling her. She blurts our "it scares me when you and Mum fight". Mum and I had been fighting over our soon to leave home daughter. Things where said, hurtful things, nasty things. I felt insulted and wronged and got very angry about it. I felt unappreciated and felt i was just there to do the jobs no one wanted to do. I felt like going on strike and saying ok. i'll do these jobs but you lot can do the jobs i normally do. It was the wrong way to think. It's not how Christ would have reacted, He would have been kind and gentle and would have taken the criticism and taken on the extra responsibility. He wouldn't have reacted in a way that would have left everyone that he loved feeling insecure and frightened.

Being sober wakes you up to the fact you have so much to loose and everything to gain.But i have also come to the realisation that you have so much more to gain by how christ like you become not just by what we will be rewarded in heaven but by the lives we effect here on earth. The children that are in our care, what they see and learn is what we as adults teach them.....

I'm in a reflective melancholy mood. and yes i have taken my medicine this morning... But life is better than it was and is getting better.... I pray for my children that they will see a better dad, i pray for my wife that the hurt i cause her will fade and she will love the man she married. I pray that christ will change me into a better man, a kind and gentle man that people will want to listen to and not run away.